I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
