Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
