So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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