i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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