If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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