What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
