im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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