my soul wont recognize me after tonight
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
