Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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