Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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