It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
