I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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