thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
