I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
