i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize