I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
