one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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