He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
