You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize