I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
