a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
