I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
