Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
