i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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