you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
