How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
