he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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