Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
