i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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