I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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