Do you still have your period?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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