she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
