I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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