I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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