Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
