you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
