I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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