Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
