Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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