so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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