I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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