I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
