I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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