I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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