I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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