He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
