just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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