3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
