Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
