The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You can't just leave with hair like that
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
