i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
handjob tips. give me some.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You have to summon your inner elephant
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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