sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I would fuck him just for his dog
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
