u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
