the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
