would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize