You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
